How to Apologize

Has anyone ever given you a half-baked apology that left you angrier than before? This is how you don’t do that to other people when you’re the one who should apologize.

An apology is a powerful tool for healing. A heartfelt and well-formed apology is the only “undo button” available to repair a mistake you’ve made in your work relationship.

Not everyone is accustomed to apologizing at work. In the old business culture, other behaviors took the place of an apology. All of these are outdated, so don’t do these things:

• Justification
• Dodge the conversation entirely (redirect, distract, leave the room or the call)
• Avoid responsibility in the discussion
• Blame another person when they’re not at fault
• Blame the situation or circumstances when there is a human factor
• Minimize the impact
• Minimize feelings
• Gaslight (pretend it didn’t happen or tell someone, “You don’t feel that way.”)

In the new business culture of taking responsibility—even for things you haven’t done yourself—claim your part in the matter and apologize. The right words in the right order are necessary to ensure the apology is accepted.

You can move beyond the incident. Your business and your team have a lot to do; don’t get stuck on a matter that went wrong. You need to move past the error to stay in the business game.

The formula for an apology

There is a formula for a good apology where you both feel relieved. Study and practice it:

Step 1: Start with literally saying, “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Those words are important. People are waiting to hear them. However, if you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you deny the other’s feelings. Never do that.

Step 2: Validate how they feel. Do not dismiss what they feel. People will either tell you what they’re feeling or you infer it. If they name a feeling word, take note. If they don’t use a feeling word, you can guess by saying something like, “That must have been frustrating.” If you don’t see and acknowledge what they’re feeling, your apology cannot proceed.

Step 3: Tell them precisely what you did wrong. They are giving you clues to what they think you did wrong. Validate that your interpretation of your mistake is accurate in how they see it.

Step 4: Do all this without justifying your action. Don’t explain your motivation for your action and don’t mention how you were feeling. How you felt or why you did it are topics for another conversation. You’re taking turns instead of conflating concerns. Resolve this issue for them first; then, it’s your turn.

Step 5: If appropriate, tell them how it cost you something. This might be embarrassment, shame, sadness, or loss of rapport. This is why you feel bad. Figure out how you feel “bad” about the incident and explain why. Don’t get lost in the details of the situation again. Keep your cost statement succinct and pause to let it sink in.

Step 6: If appropriate, promise to do better next time. Outline your plan for when a similar situation arises. You can even validate your plan to do better to see if they have any feedback on it: “Okay if this happens again, I can take this action next time. Does that sound okay to you?”

Step 7: Close the matter. In a personal relationship, closing the matter means asking for forgiveness. In a work relationship, closing the matter means your apology was acknowledged and accepted and that you agree to move on together and put the matter in the past.

In closure, the other person’s voice and tone must relax. You’ll know they’ve achieved closure when you no longer sense frustration, disappointment, or anger in them. You must feel you’ve been released from guilt as the wrongdoer.

The negative feelings on both sides must be resolved for the matter to be truly closed. You don’t have to name the feelings out loud, but your keen awareness helps you navigate the final stage of the apology.

Listen, process, and adapt

Personal apologies and workplace apologies are different, but these steps and their order are strongly suggested. Explore the incident and circumstances on your own time. Follow the natural flow of the conversation and tailor the apology formula to the needs of your listener and yourself. It’s a discussion, so it goes back and forth dynamically. 

Don’t script your apology on paper and read it from top to bottom. That comes across as insincere. Instead, you might prepare by thinking it through by writing out a private journal entry. Writing is a powerful way to process details and find your own responsibility in the matter.